I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
There r osticjed everywhere
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
