If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
