so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
