no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
she peed on how many people?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
