The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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