Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
