I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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