I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
what day is it and did you see me today?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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