It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
