I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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