____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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