I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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