I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
