he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
