I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize