i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
