just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
