We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
