am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
