I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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