I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
