I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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