One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
