I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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