I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
