mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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