dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
