There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
