So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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