I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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