OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
