omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
it's great music for shaving your balls
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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