It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize