It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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