Betty ford says i'm here all night
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
