So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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