You smell like stripper and shame
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
