I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
