I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize