Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
