Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
