I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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