I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
