There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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