Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
