We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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