My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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