i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
