i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
