Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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