dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
