I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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