I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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