those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize