There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
how does that bad decision feel?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
