how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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