I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize