So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
