Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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