I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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