I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
