he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
